Emotionally Mute

Don’t ask me anything personal. I won’t answer you or maybe you’d get a funny remark as a reply.

I am not vocal. You will not hear me seriously express how much you mean to me. You will not hear me show my deepest and sincerest gratitude for the things you’ve done for my sake. You will not hear me beg for forgiveness for the fucked up things I’ve done that hurt you. You will not hear the raw and real emotions that lies deep within me.

Instead, I will show you in the silliest way how much I love you. I will weirdly show you how much I am thankful for the things you’ve done for and to me. I will show you how sorry I am for hurting you and I am an ass for doing so. I will show you my dark den where I hide everything that I am.

So, please, don’t get mad at me if you don’t hear what you wanted to hear from me. I am complicated and I hope you understand.

“You don’t realize how alone you are until you’re staying up every night thinking about things you should never think of and you cant tell anybody because you have nobody to tell.”
- 4:26am
7/1/14 (via everfleeting)

Why Dating Me Is A Bad, Bad Idea

I’m not ugly. And no, I am not pretty. I am normal. I am average. Though, there are quite a few dudes who have shown interest in me. I am not boasting here. Just saying. But fortunately for the dudes I have unconsciously fooled, I turned them all down. And all for the good reasons:

1. I am ungrateful.

I will never appreciate the bouquet of flowers or balloons that you will give on our “monthsary” or anniversary. I will find every grand, romantic gestures you’ll do for unnecessarily cheesy. I will be thankful, yes, but you’ll never know. Because I won’t tell you. I’ll just frown at you and tell you how stupid you look.

2. I am moody.

I will laugh with you then, suddenly, for some unknown reason to you, I will get silent and not talk to you. You’ll ask what’s wrong but I’ll just shrug and answer nothing. I will keep ignoring you until I feel like it. Whether you say sorry or not it doesn’t matter. I will be a bitch because I can and you’ll never understand what or why.

3. I am not beautiful.

I will not dress up for you. I will not look pretty for you. If by chance we hang out and I dressed up, I just did it for myself. Not you. So if you don’t want a girly-girly girlfriend, don’t date me.

4. Your friends will hate me.

I am not a sociable person. If you introduce me to your friends, I’ll just give them a meek smile. I will not even try to socialize with them. Unless they socialize with me first. If they do talk to me, then I talk to them. Not the other way around.

5. I will not say the things I like or don’t like.

You will have to guess. If I want to kiss, you’ll never know. If I want to be with you, I’ll never tell. And I might end up mad at you if you don’t know what I want and don’t want like a fortune teller.

There are a lot actually. But those are just the top 5. I am not girlfriend material. Heck, I might even end up an old maid.

Apparently, people around me think I am an unfeeling bitch. I know I am complicated and I AM a bitch but, unfeeling? No.

Okay, here’s the thing: I just don’t like conspicuous and extravagant stuff. I’d rather you message me privately, write me long letter or whatever. I’d appreciate that. I’m a sucker for that. Heck, I might even cry because of that.

Balloons, cakes and other materialistic stuff that can easily be bought elsewhere? No, thank you. I want well-thought off presents. I don’t care if it’s crap, secondhands or handmade. I really couldn’t care any lesser, I swear to god. All that matters to me is that you thought of it. You thought of me.

I don’t like receiving a brand new pink shirt from F21. I’d rather you give me a white or blue shirt from your own closet because y’know I love that shirt. I don’t like receiving a brand new book of an author I hate from Fully Booked. Instead, I’d rather have your worn out copy or a copy from a book sale from an author you like that you think I might like to broaden my horizon. Etc, etc, etc.

Are you getting me here? The fact of the matter is that little things are the biggest things for me. Especially if you’re a friend of mine.

I’m 20 today and all I can think about is when and how I am going to die and will I be happy and will I find true love.


Coca-Cola Invents 16 Bottle Caps To Give Second Lives To Empty Bottles [x]

This is awesome. Hands down.


Is it normal that I yearn for true love but when the possibilty of love comes I cringe away from it?

I cringe away from it by avoiding the person, rejecting the idea and passing it all off as a joke.

I don’t know why I do it and how easy I can do it but I do. I push the possibility of love away. Maybe because I am afraid of expectations? Maybe because I think the dudes who like me expect me to be always the likeable girl they think I am which I’m not. And I’m afraid to disappoint them by accident so I avoid them, run away from them and purposely try to turn off their feelings for me.

But by the end of it all, I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that they’d stay. They’d put up with my silly games and stay and try to remove the sturdy wall I had built for myself from pain, commitments, relationships and disappointments. Because maybe, just maybe, they think that I’d be THAT worth it to put up a fight with.

But they all don’t. They give up. They always give up on me. I don’t blame them, though. I fully undestand. Because if I were them, I’d give up on me too.

And so, I always chase the dudes who doesn’t know my existence and/or appreciate my worth as a woman. Because that way, the pain and disappointment would be so much bearable.

Conclusion: I am going to be an old maid.

It’s scary being an adult. It feels like everything has its consequences. Like, there’s no room for fun and childishness. I want to be a teen forever. Not because I don’t want to grow crinkly and weak. But because I love the innocence and energy of being a teen.

I am a living paradox. I am both hated and loved, and that’s just the start.

I hate being surprised, but I appreciate unexpected gestures. I hate being complimented, but I appreciate sweet words. I hate pink but I own a lot of pink stuff. I love good music but I am obsessed with One Direction. I am in love with beauty but I am not beautiful. I want space but I want your nearness. I want love but I cringe away from possible love. I want to talk to you, but no, my ego won’t let me to.

I’d rather have potentiality than the confirmation of rejection.

Today, I took a leap of faith. I don’t know yet if it’s worth it. I took the chance because I thought if I didn’t, I might regret it. But now, I’m having doubts with my decision.

If I fail, when I’m asked why I didn’t make it, then, I’ll have to answer: “Because I’m not good enough.”

But if I didn’t take the risk and when someone asks me why I failed, then, I’d have to answer: “It’s because I didn’t try to pass anything.”

The former shows weakness while the latter shows potentiality.

I’d rather have potentiality than the confirmation of rejection, to be honest.

But omg, what to dooooo~ I am failure at everything I want to do.

Probably the smallest but sweetest thing a dude has ever done to me is he bought me chips.

For you to feel the importance of the chips you have to know this:

I am from Assumption College of Davao. It is a Catholic, anti-junk food school. It doesn’t sell chips or sodas. It doesn’t allow students to bring in chips or sodas. Even the iced tea they sell is literally that: an ICED tea. It’s not powdered juice you buy in supermarkets. It’s tea with an ice!

Anyway, one afternoon, after the class had ended, we were practicing for… something. It’s probably a drama, play or whatsoever.

We were waiting for the practice to start for the school thang. Then, I eventually had the urge to eat something salty.

I asked my dude friend if he wants to buy something salty outside of campus. At first he didn’t agree. He felt like not going. It was tiring, he said. But I persuaded him. And he eventually agreed.

We asked the leader that we’d just buy snacks outside. She said yes but only for 5 minutes.

We were almost at the gate when we realized our dilemma: How do we smuggle the illegal goods inside?

I shared my sentiment to my dude friend. For a second, he thought for a solution. Then, he said, “Ako bahala (Leave it to me).”

I asked him what he would do. But he just shrugged me off and told me to wait for him on the wall with iron fences, a bit away from the gate which have two guards who check up the students’ bags.

He left me there and proceeded to go out. I just waited there at the spot he left me. A few second later, I can see him passing me, only the wall as our barrier.

He kept walking until I can see him no longer.

I waited.

Then, a few minutes after, he showed up in front of me, holding various brands/kinds of junk foods on his hands.

"What now?" I asked.

He asked me to wait and then with in a second, he was climbing the fenced wall!

I whisper-screamed at him. I asked what the hell is he doing.

He just said that he’ll throw the illegal goods over the fence and I should immediately put it inside his backpack (he left it with me before he went outside).

At first, I was horrified. I hadn’t done something as evil as this. But then, I just gigglef because he looked funny. He looked like a gigantic stick.

He threw the goods, I caught it and threw it immediately inside his bag.

That was it. Then, he went inside, went to me, who was carrying his backpack on my slung on my one shoulder, and went to our practice.

Why I appreciated what he did?

Because he didn’t want to eat chips at all. He didn’t feel like eating anything salty. He could have just left me and went back to our group mates. But no. He stayed. He climbed a wall for me. Just because I wanted to eat junk foods.

He climbed a wall for me. And apparently, after a few months after that, I’ll just break his heart.

Romanticization of Event

You laid next me. I felt uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do. So, I just stayed still. You, beside me; I, beside you. You mumbled something I either forgot or didn’t understand.

You grabbed me and hugged me into a tight cuddle. I just laughed it off because I didn’t want it to be awkward.

My arms were folded between my chest and yours; my hands resting on yours. You made yourself more comfortable by getting closer to me.

You rested your chin above my head. My ears rested on your chest. I can hear you breathing above me and heart’s beating below me.

I am enamored by you; surrounded by you.

I tried to sleep with thoughts and presence of you. But I can’t. So, I looked up to check if you’re feeling the same way, too.

I can’t see if your eyes were open but I’m guessing they were not. But just to make sure, I blew a breath on your chin; you didn’t move. When I looked up, your lips were close to mine.

I wanted you to lean down and kiss me. With that thought, I immediately, but safely as not to wake you up, untangled myself from you (even though all I want is to to snuggle between your nape and your shoulder).

I stood up and walked into a chair nearby, careful not to tumble things. I sat down and stared at your sleeping state. I would have lighten a cigarette but I don’t smoke. So, I just stared at you as if your my lit cigarette between my mouth.

It scares me to be surrounded with people who are good at playing with words and are great with faking feelings.
It freaks me out how easily they can change into someone nice when in fact they’re mad.
It bugs me how easily they can have a good conversation with someone they just said they don’t like.
It is scary because how do I know they don’t do that to me? How do I know they are genuine?
I am sure as hell that every emotion I display is real in one way or another. I am a bad actress so let me tell you that I don’t enjoy faking anything and I am pretty much uncomfortable with the thought of making a certain person feel liked when in fact I don’t.
So it baffles me that there is a possibility that the people I like dont actually really like me as I am; good and bad. I know that NOT all the time the person you love and like will love and like you. But I hope they do love and like me MOST of the time and accept me as a whole.

How do I know they’re not pulling a bullshitty act on me? I don’t. I’ll either just have to wait for the confirmation/declination or I’ll just have to catch them on the act myself.

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”
- The Little Prince  (via bl-ossomed)